Joonas Donskoi has played top-6 minutes for the Kraken all season. He’s spent significant time on the ice with the likes of Alex Wennberg, Yanni Gourde, and Jaden Schwartz. And yet, despite playing in all 25 games this year, Donskoi is still staring at a big goose egg on the stat sheet under the column labeled “GOALS.”
It shouldn’t be a huge deal in the grand scheme of things, considering his 12 assists are enough to put him 7th on the team in total points. But that’s honestly one of the more frustrating things about this draught — he hasn’t actually played all that poorly. In fact, you could even argue he’s played quite well! The goals just won’t come. He’s the only Kraken forward to play at least 50 minutes this year without finding the back of the net at least once. And among the entire crop of NHL forwards, he’s one of just five players to take at least 30 shots on net and fail to have one of them find twine.
I don’t know what Donskoi did to anger the hockey gods so, but whatever it is we need to come up with a way to appease them, and fast. Here’s a few ideas:
Literally purchase a goal
We get in touch with Gary Bettman and through a series of winks and nudges negotiate a deal in which he gives Donskoi credit for a goal earlier this year while Bettman himself adds more stacks of cash to his vault. Okay technically this might be considered “bribery” which is generally referred to as a “felony” and leads to “prison time.” Also I don’t think we can afford him.
Petition the NHL to count shootout goals as regular goals
In the first shootout in Kraken history, Donskoi was the only player to score because of course he was. The best part was he kind of didn’t actually shoot the puck and it still managed to go in. This is exactly the kind of goal I’d expect for his first one of the year: something that has no business going in but does anyway.
I really don’t want shootout goals to count as real goals because my goodness what a terrible idea. But if it gets the monkey off of Donskoi’s back then maybe it’s worth it.
Offer a sacrifice to the giant squid in Puget Sound
The sasquatch is generally considered the Official Cryptid of the Pacific Northwest™, but real ones know that’s not the only mysterious creature lurking in the region. In the waters of Puget Sound lives the giant Pacific octopus, the local tie to our favorite hockey team’s nickname. It might not be a kraken per se, but to my knowledge it’s about as close as we’ll ever see. Perhaps this giant squid took offense to Seattle using it’s name/image/likeness without being properly compensated, and for an unknown reason set its revenge curse on poor Joonas Donskoi.
The real issue here is trying to find the perfect gift for such a creature. Presumably it could find all the food it wants as the largest animal in these waters. Maybe a signed Donskoi stick (or eight sticks?) would do the trick, or a sweet size XXXXXXXXXXL no. 32 Kraken jersey with “THE REAL KRAKEN” on the nameplate. Yeah, that should do it.
Eat a bunch of fried Baltic herring under the full moon
We could try dipping our toes into the realm of fine Finnish cuisine here to pay homage to the only Fin on Seattle’s roster. The only problem is the next full moon doesn’t come around until after game 30, and we really don’t want to push this draught out another 5 games. Also, I don’t even know where to get some good Baltic herring around here.
Find, return all 882 pieces of Aztec gold to the stone chest on the Isla de Muerta
In the 2003 smash hit Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, it was learned that anyone who took a gold coin from the treasure of Cortés would be damned until it was returned in full. We already know that Seattle Kraken investor and Pirates franchise producer Jerry Bruckheimer enjoys sharing pieces from his movie franchise with his hockey franchise, so would it be all that surprising to discover he has also taken some of those gold coins and handed them out? Maybe he gave Donskoi one and it’s just rolling around in the bottom of his hockey bag, cursing him to a life of shots off the post and non-goal shootout goals. We must find out.
The real issue with this plan is we don’t know how many pieces of gold have been given out. If Jerry gave them all away, we’re in deep trouble. It took the crew of the Black Pearl a decade to get this done after all, and we simply don’t have that kind of time.
While we don’t know which of these solutions has the best chance of working, it’s important to know that we can help. Donskoi himself is doing everything he can. He’s 5th on the team in high-danger chances according to Natural Stat Trick, and he’s also got over 4 expected goals! This is a terribly unlucky streak, so let’s all pitch in and do our part to help where we can. Go grab that herring, find the gold coins, and appease the giant octopus under the Tacoma Narrows bridge, because our boy Donskoi needs us.