Pop culture debates are engaging because there’s usually, y’know, room for debate.
Best NHL team of all time: 1970s Montreal Canadiens? 1980s Edmonton Oilers? Someone else? Best comedy duo of all time: Laurel and Hardy? Cheech & Chong? Key & Peele? Someone else?
But when it comes to the intersection of hockey and comedy duos, the undisputed heavyweight champs are Kraken Hockey Network TV voices John Forslund and Eddie Olczyk.
Along with partner J.T. Brown, Forslund and Olczyk are unsurpassed in providing straightforward facts & analysis Joe Friday would endorse. Here’s the three amigos explaining how a fluke goal by Brandon Montour went in against Utah on Friday:
Forslund: “It pinballs home! Brandon Montour out in front! It’s time for a little puck luck. The hockey gods shining on the Kraken; Brandon Montour has tied it.”
Brown: “You say it all the time, Edzo. Go to the net and stop. Where does Montour go? Drives the middle, stops right at the blue paint.”
Olczyk: “Boy, right off the heel of his skate, and maybe between the legs of (Utah defenseman) John Marino (It did). Oh yeah, exactly.”
The trio informs and captures the drama when the moment demands it. The truth, though, is that even in a fast-paced game like hockey, the moments often don’t demand it. During a 38-minute stretch of that same Utah game on Mar. 14, Seattle managed just 11 shots on goal, hardly any worth elaborating on. Recognizing that hockey is an entertainment product, Forslund and Olczyk took it upon themselves to provide the entertainment.
(On the topic of long stretches with little of consequence: if Major League Soccer was smart, they’d back up the Brinks trucks for John and Edzo. Forslund already knows how to say “Goal,” and Olczyk already knows how to grouse when officials have missed a penalty.)
Woven among mentions of players and pucks, Forslund explained how he’d feed peanut butter – creamy, not chunky, mind you – to his beloved poodle, who we learned lived to the ripe old age of 18. Then the rails, if there were any before, came off.
John Forslund: “Great dog. I’d like to come back as a dog someday.”
Eddie Olczyk: “With the shoes you got on, I think you’re going to come back as a bowler.”
JF: “Oh, here we go. JT, these shoes bother him.”
EO: “No, they don’t bother me. They actually have a number 12 on the heel of your shoe.”
JF: “It’s 11, by the way. And every time I wear these shoes, it happens.”
Befitting a 16-year NHL veteran, Olczyk had pulled a prank on his broadcast partner.
J.T. Brown: “They’re nice shoes. I probably wouldn’t wear them, but they’re nice shoes.”
JF: “Of course not. Somebody has to wear them.”
JF: “What was the line in the old movie ‘Caddyshack?’ ‘Looks good on you.'”
EO: “I’m serious (starts to crack up). You have a number 12 on the heel of your shoe.”
JF: “I do now (both laughing). JT, he did it. We’ve gotta get a shot of this.”
EO: “We already got a shot! (More laughter).”
JF: “Does that come off?”
EO: “It’s in marker. Don’t worry about it.”
JF: (Eddie erupting in laughter, John in mock horror) “Oh, this is terrible. He put a 12.”
EO: “You must have stepped on a sticker on the way up.”
JF: (Stifling laughter) “That’s what happened.”
JF: “JT, I’m so laser-focused on the game, he got down on his hands and knees.”
EO: “No, you just stepped on a sticker. I just happened to notice.”
JF: I don’t think so. (To Olczyk, in mock disgust) I hope you’re having a nice time tonight.”
EO: (Laughing) “They are nice shoes.”
JF: “He’s doubled over. I kind of like it. I’m going to keep it.”
EO: “That is the best.”
JF: “That better come off. That’s all I’ll say. I love these shoes.”
EO: “Nice Sharpie (marker). You get autographs (written in Sharpie). Nothing comes off.”
EO: “The shoes were like $18.
JF: “$17.50.”
Was Olczyk’s chirping now done? Not hardly. Forlsund later made a rare slip-up, slightly misprouncing the name of Utah’s Clayton Keller.
EO: “Sorry, Johnny. Just turn your tongue inside out, it’ll work better the next time.”
JF: “You know, I just got a new one today. I’ve recovered nicely from it (Eddie laughing).”
JF: “I’m glad you picked that up.”
Then it was time for a callback to their earlier footwear discussion, after the pair in the booth complimented the suit worn by Brown, reporting from between the benches.
JF: “He always looks great. Y’know, it’s the law of averages with how we dress here. Somehow we get to a passing grade. You have to have the top of the class, the bottom, and the middle. You have the mean and the bell-shaped curve.”
Like Brown has admitted in the past, I don’t follow everything they’re saying. But even if covering the Kraken wasn’t my job, their give-and-take would keep me from changing the channel, regardless of the score.
Late in the 2nd period, following Forslund’s read of a promo, Olczyk tried to make “amends.”
EO: “Very well done there, John.”
JF: “Thank you. Not bad for somebody who wears size 12s.”