Seattle Kraken fans, you need to know you’re not alone.
Although you may have been nearly alone Thursday night, if you watched the Kraken lose in Calgary while being outshot 46-23. 46-23! Most Seattle sports fans probably didn’t notice the Kraken losing for the 10th time in 11 games, because of some miracle overtime finish being orchestrated at Lumen Field by the Seahawks at the same time.
Anyway, I want to introduce you to a famous hockey voice who feels your pain. I’m not going to reveal his name until after his rant, because the team being eviscerated isn’t actually the Kraken. But see if any of this – or most of this, or all of this – sounds familiar.
Did I hitch my wagon to such a lemon, dude. They had time to make changes way earlier, years ago. I yelled and screamed about it the whole time, and they wouldn’t do anything. And now they can’t do anything.
We’re stuck in this purgatory, right? Like, watching this game, I don’t know if it was (the goalie’s) best game, but he’s been pretty good. (The other goalie’s) been very good when he’s been in, right? The penalty kill looked pretty bad and then it got good again.
And like, they’re injured. I get it. They’re injured. Maybe getting some guys back from injury will be better, right? I don’t really think the bottom six is the problem. There’s a few guys who you can maybe take or leave and swap in or out or whatever, but I don’t feel like they’re the problem. The stars are the problem.
They need significant changes to the roster, but they feel paralyzed about how they can make changes to the roster. GM has to go then, right? “Well, no, they’re not going to fire the general manager.” All right. Well, so you agree there needs to be changes, right? Okay. Yeah. So, then fire the coach. “Well, no. The CEO really likes the coach.”
Imagine having a multi-billion dollar organization and never learning a single solitary thing.
When your team is bad, games are LONG, bro. Two-and-a-half hours. You know how long two-and-a-half hours is? That’s 150 minutes. That’s so long, to watch something that sucks! Have you ever sat through a two-and-a-half hour movie that sucked? Yeah, probably. Have you sat through a couple? Yeah, probably.
Okay. What if you watched 82 bad movies a year? They were two-and-a-half hours long. Maybe they’re not all bad. What if like 50 or 60 out of 82? Do you understand?
It’s over. It cannot continue. This is what we get. It’s cruel, but this is what we get. They really made us believe that they were back. They really did. It’s over, dude. It’s all over. And there’s still so many games left.
Sharp-eyed readers may have deduced that the team in question is the Toronto Maple Leafs, shut out 4-0 in Washington Thursday night. The speaker is beloved Leafs podcaster Steve Dangle, who delivered his eulogy while lying down on the floor, covered by a blanket.
At least Toronto lost to a Capitals team that’s sitting at number two in the East. The Kraken were playing a Calgary team so woeful that even after winning, they still have a worse points percentage than Seattle.
Oh, and there’s 50 games left in the season.