Before reading the following story, Kraken fans are advised to don hazmat suits, lock up sharp objects, and shield the young and infirm.
As far as the Seattle Kraken are concerned, The Athletic should be called The Pessimistic. Maybe The Nihilistic.
From reading their Acidic analysis, one could conclude writers Dom Luszczyszyn, Sean Gentille and Shayna Goldman probably hate puppies and motherhood, too. Based on their projections for the 2025-26 Kraken, I bet they liked Howard The Duck and Ishtar better. I’m sure they preferred Dr. Pimple Popper and Honey Boo Boo. For sure, they found more entertainment value in Carrot Top and the XFL.
You think I’m exaggerating? Check out a landfill of descriptions for Seattle’s NHL team.
- “Sub-mediocre”
- “Functionally directionless”
- “League’s least star-studded team”
- “Questionable contracts and poor cap management”
- “Chances are slim that there are gold nuggets hiding amidst the dirt.”
- “Kraken do not have a player worthy of being a first, second, or even third-best forward on an average team.”
Ouch. Specific Kraken players came in for the same withering criticism.
- Matty Beniers: “Deserves less hype than he receives”
- Shane Wright: “Defensive struggles were immense”
- Chandler Stephenson: “Seattle’s poster child of ineptitude”
- Vince Dunn: “A massive target on zone entries, which he’s struggled to defend.”
- Brandon Montour: “A risky second-pair defender”
- Adam Larsson: “Defensive game abandoned him”
- Ryker Evans: “Especially poor defending the rush”
- Jamie Oleksiak and Ryan Lindgren: “Past their prime”
- Philipp Grubauer: “Cancels out most of (Joey) Daccord’s contributions”
- Coach Lane Lambert: “(Islanders) defense crumbled under his guidance”
Even some of the trio’s happier comments fall in the “damning with faint praise” category.
They describe goalie Joey Daccord as possibly “Seattle’s only genuine strength going into the season, a symbol of how dire things currently are.” Daccord is blamed for playing too well. “It was probably the difference between picking eighth overall and drafting in the top five. Seattle got a pair of good prospects there, but boy, would Ivan Demidov be nice right about now.”
That’s why they think this season’s “best case scenario” would be a disastrous 65-point finish. “It doesn’t feel like Seattle has done nearly enough to position itself as an actual player for the future high-end talent the Kraken desperately need.”
Let’s be clear. Many of The Athletic’s conclusions are rooted in analytics and insider comments from league sources. If Dom, Sean and Shayna were here to defend themselves, I suspect they’d also point to the positives they did write about.
Like, “Beniers (and Wright, too) are good players. They’ve got potential.” Like, “To Lambert’s credit, the (Islanders’) five-on-five offense clicked at its highest rate in years under his direction. The potential is there for a Lambert-led Kraken team.” Like, “Last year, Daccord saved 20 goals above expected over 57 games… the year before that, it was 16 in 50 games.” Like, “Just like there’s nothing wrong with (Jared) McCann, who is a good player, there’s also nothing wrong with Dunn, who is also a good player.”
But when the one word used to describe the belief that the Kraken can be competitive is “delusion,” there’s really no mistaking their bottom line. Which is, things have to get worse before they get better. “Just how far it falls outside the top eight could be what helps turn this franchise around.”
You can read the non-paywalled The Athletic Kraken season preview here.